Surviving Wayne

Our Recent Story...

So here goes. Last week, Paula and I experienced something we wanted for so long to experience. We (actually just Paula, but we shared in it) took three home pregnancy tests. All three were positive. On Thursday, we started sharing our amazing news with our parents and a few very close friends. We had decided not to share it far and wide until we were able to get it confirmed by Paula’s doctor. We were extremely excited, but we desperately tried to not get too excited for fear that the tests were false.

We had a great Saturday. Sunday morning was great. We even had lunch with several corps members to lovingly send off a friend back to Canada.

On the way home from lunch, Paula felt a lot of pressure on her stomach. She said it felt as if she had a really full bladder. Upon arriving to our home, she went upstairs to our bedroom to empty her bladder. I let Phileo out to “potty,” then made my way upstairs to get out of my uniform.

Paula was lying down in our bed. I got into some sleep shorts and got into bed with her, assuming we would have a wonderful nap-filled afternoon. Paula had a nervous look on her face. She said that she didn’t have to go as much as she thought she did. She felt a lot of cramps and when she did go, there was some spotting.

She called the OBGYN’s on call line and they advised us to go to the emergency room. I will save you the hours of events that happened there. To make a long story short, they did a urine test, a blood test, and two different types of ultrasounds.

The urine test came back negative for a pregnancy. The blood test came back positive, but with a very low reading. The doctor said that it seems there may have been a “threatened abortion” or miscarriage, since there had been three positive home tests and now the low reading on the blood test. He also said there is a possibility it could have been an “ectopic pregnancy” (tubal pregnancy).

He told us we would need to follow up with Paula’s doctor on Tuesday to have another urine test and blood test to confirm which it was.

Our appointment was Tuesday at 9am. It was indeed a threatened abortion, which I think is a simply terrible name. There wasn’t a tubal, which we were happy about because that can be life threatening for Paula.

It was rough for Paula going to the doctor. We just didn’t put two and two together to prepare her for seeing pregnant women at her OBGYN. It is an obvious thing that we should have expected.

The doctor tells us that this was a fluke incident. It is actually common. There is no reason why we cannot have a normal, healthy pregnancy. Most likely, the pregnancy was abnormal and Paula’s body sensed that and therefore saw it as a threat and began the process to reject it, hence “threatened abortion.”

So now comes the grieving. It is somewhat odd to me. I know many of my friends have gone through this, but until you do, you don’t know how hard it is. I had no relationship with this child. I had never held him/her, nor have I seen his/her face. I only knew of his/her existence for a matter of days, but my heart broke as if I had known this child all my life. My boss told me something quite profound. She said that this child never knew sin. He/She was never tempted and never had to make choices that would separate them from the love of Jesus. That child stands absolutely beautiful, without sin in front of God’s throne today… and he/she is a product of Paula and me.

We are in no way angry with God. We know and hold firm to the fact that God knows exactly what He is doing and that His will is absolutely perfect. The blessing from this is that there is no question that we are able to get pregnant.

We do ask that when you are around us, that you act normal and not ask us about this or talk to us about it. Please don’t call us or email us asking about this. We are going through our grieving process and having to relive with everyone that asks or emails will delay getting through our grief. If we want to talk about, please let us bring it up.

Thank you all for your continued prayer for us. You don’t know how much that means to us.

We will survive.

Wayne @ 7:12 AM v Comments (0) v

Filing Chapter 6

Broken. That is what must happen to me... and to Paula. We sing the song so many times, as it often blesses and encourages us. Being broken means to be at the end of yourself and needing to be at the beginning of God.

For the first time in five years, since we've left the ranks of Salvation Army officership, we attended a territorial event. We attended the Southern Territorial Congress in Atlanta. "Go Deeper With God" was the theme. I had no idea that going deeper would reveal some things to myself about me.

I found myself in tears as I watched others receive their ordination and commission, as I had eight years ago. It hurt to see others within the will of God, knowing that God had called me to that same purpose, and yet we were drawn away under less than pleasant circumstances. We will go back...

I've learned that I fear ministry. I fear extending myself to others in a ministry fashion. I can remember how passionate I was about the Word and what God spoke to me through it. I believe that God had given me a spiritual gift, in that I could interpret His Word. I've found that I seem to have lost that passion and it scares me. Has God taken that gift away so easily as he had provided it?

I thought we had finished healing from our last appointment. We haven't. This weekend was good for us. We were able to face some demons, if you will. We went to the altar call this morning and wept. We had been lingering in Isaiah chapter 5 (you had to be at congress to understand). Tonight, we may still be in chapter 5, but we are ready to finish healing.

We are planning for the next five years to be a season of preparation. For me, I have a desire to rekindle my love affair with the Word. I want to be confident in the scriptures. I want to stand firmly on the truths therein and be a light, encourager, exhorter, and pastor to those around me and in my circle. I want to regain a sensitivity and intimacy with the Spirit and His leading. I am ready for my Isaiah chapter 6 experience.

We are so very thankful for a handful of close friends who have faithfully been support, loyal, and loving. They have embraced and and lifted us up to the altar as broken vessels to be mended and filled by Him.

I have survived... by his grace.

Wayne @ 9:37 PM v Comments (0) v

Tat Number Two

Here we go... with the same ole tango. I apologize for not blogging. I will try to be better, but no promises.

This past Friday (5/9) was Paula's birthday. She joined me by becoming 30. I asked Paula what she wanted for her birhday and her response was interesting. Since she had lost all of her weight, she wanted to reward herself by getting a tattoo. She wanted the two of us to get matching tattoos. I agreed and we decided to get a Fleur de lis.

Most of you know that after we were commissioned as Salvation Army Officers, we were sent to New Orleans. The irony is that before we were sent there, we had planned on going to New Orleans for our honeymoon. Even before that, New Orleans has always been a place we loved.

The fleur de lis is the symbol of the city. It also represents the Trinity and is the symbol of the Frech lilly, which represents peace and love.

Here is a pic of the tattoo. this is on my left upper arm, just below my shoulder. Paula's is identical, but a tad smaller and on the middle of her lower back. I'm not planning on posting a picture of Paula's for the sake of her privacy.

Well... I survived.

Wayne @ 6:42 AM v Comments (2) v

30 For Almost A Week

Before I get into being 30, I want to make a quick plug. Many of you know that Paula and I are major American Idol fans. I am keeping a blog where I post my thoughts on the performances. The site is www.wayneonidol.blogspot.com or you can click on the American Idol icon over on the top right hand side bar of my this blog (icon is only visible if you are actually on my www.survivingwayne.blogspot.com website).

Ok, so I turned 3o last Wednesday. I was very nervous about it. It was like I had to face getting older. Now, being a week in, it is not so bad. It is still very surreal to think that I am 30. This is the first time, since Paula and I have known each other, that we have been in two different decades as far as age goes. This will only be true for three months, as she will join the 3o club on May 9.

I have been thinking about things like retirement savings, having children, and accomplishing things I thought I would have accomplished by now. Other than that, there is not a lot to say about being 30.

I guess it was just like ripping off a bandaid. It's gonna hurt when you do it, but it will be quick and you will be better once it is done.

I guess I actually survived.

Wayne @ 10:16 PM v Comments (1) v

Contemporary Adults

So, over the past 24 hours or so, I have endured much harassment and banter from my esteemed friends. We had some people over last night to celebrate my upcoming 30th birthday. They found out that I was nervous about turning 30 and have since had "fun" with me.

Okay, okay, I will try not to be so over dramatic about turning 30. Nonetheless, it is still somewhat strange. The other night as I lay in bed, I kept saying to myself, "I am 30." It sounded very strange and kinda felt surreal. I know that 30 is not old, truly. I guess I never thought I would ever get older.

Paula and I have volunteered to lead the Adult Ministries in our Corps (church). With this thought of growing older, I have been thinking about a few things. One of those things is how The Salvation Army defines Young Adults. Young Adults are defined by The Salvation Army as those individuals ages 18 - 35.

Now, there are some people that we hang out with that are in the low 40's, including our corps officers. These individuals have "the feel," if you will, of what "Young Adults" are supposed to be, yet fall beyond the defining age range. I think that now, in a day and age where 40 is the new 25, 50 is the new 30, and 60 is the new 40, this category of adults should be redefined.

Most of these individuals, as a whole, are not as traditional as adults that were the same age 20 years ago. These individuals are the pioneers, if you will, of contemporary worship. These are the individuals that first challenged the status quo of the modern traditional church.

Aside from tastes in worship styles, there are obvious changes in relational experiences. People today, on average, are starting families later in life than they did 20 years ago. Look at Paula and me, for example. We both turn 30 this year and we do not have any children yet.

We are in a new time. The things that defined us 20 years ago, sometimes need to be updated, as they are outdated definitions.

...just some food for thought.

I am going to bed.

The age of 30... this I shall survive.

Wayne @ 9:39 PM v Comments (0) v

Just a Number... or a Milestone of Transition

Well... Wednesday is the day that I really have not looked forward to. Wednesday is February 13, 2008. That day 30 years ago on a snowy February evening, I was born. So the question of the hour is: Am I getting old?

I have shared with several people that, as a child, I can remember my mom (I think) watching the show, Thirty Something. I can remember thinking that those people who were "thirty something" are old. Now in just a few days, I will be entering the "thirty something" club.

Sometimes it seems that deep down, I still feel like a kid. I guess my fear is that I will wake up Wednesday morning and face the reality that I'm not kid anymore.

Am I just going through a mid-life crisis early? If so, you better hide the toupe and convertable.

I think I will survive.

Wayne @ 10:53 PM v Comments (1) v

Dreaded Day

Yesterday was the day... the day I had long feared would come. Yesterday was the day that is much worse than finding out that you have to have all your teeth pulled. It is more disturbing than to find out your neighber has been secretly peeping in your windows. It is more painful than a terrible, terrible sunburn. Even to talk about it makes me cringe with nausea.

Yesterday... I had to go to the DMV and get my drivers license renewed! AAAARRRRGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!

I was there for like three hours. I royally hate, with excessive passion, going to the DMV. My initial first irritance is that all the signs on the wall were in English AND Spanish. There were even a few signs only in Spanish (I have an intense problem with this). I have this thing about people driving and not being able to read the words in English on the signs... it shouldn't be allowed. Anyway.

So I am in line and the line stops a few times because they can't check anymore in because there are not enough seats for people to sit in. What makes this process go even slower is the fact that some people come in with their momma, daddy, and second cousin who all go sit in seats that are where those in line are supposed to go after checking in. Well the line, again, is stopping because those checking in don't have any where to sit because all the relatives of the guy at the end of the line have taken them.

In all, I stood waiting to get checked in for an hour. The seats are smack-dab side-by-side up against one another. The entire time I am in line, I scope out possible areas I want to sit in. Truth be known, I am a big guy. With or without being a tad on the fat side, I am still built with a large frame and I simply take up some space, if you know what I'm saying. Anyway, I am looking for a seat that is not in the corner, around stinky people, or other "space taking" people.

I get a seat between and elderly African-American woman and man a small framed Mexican-looking guy. The lady was very nice. We chatted and joked about the DMV. The Mexican guy had a black eye and honestly looked like he had gotten mugged right before coming to the DMV. I didn't speak to him, because honestly I doubted he spoke any English and he really seemed kinda wierd.

He got up and a skinny white guy sat down in his spot. He was kinda preppy. He asked me and the guy on the other side of the seat if he could "squeeze in between us." The other guy had a larger frame and we both were thrilled a smaller framed individual was sitting between us. This meant more room for us! The skinny guy said, "I am sure glad you guys speak my language." I was glad someone else cought on to what I had cuaght onto as soon as I walked in the door.

The skinny guy had to go get some money at an ATM because he realized that he forgot to bring cash or check. So some strange guy sat next to me. After the number before mine was called, the strange guy looked at my number and said, "Man, it would be terrible if the electricity went off now." Ok so aside from being much closer to this guy than I would like to be, I discovered that he hadn't brushed his teeth since the 80's. His breath was so bad, the skin on my face felt like it was gonna peel off.

Anyway, I just smiled and gave a clever response.

Finally, heaven opened and a multitude of angels burst into song!! They had called my number. It felt like being on death row and all of a sudden, you had been pardoned.

I took my eye test, took my street sign test, posed for a picture that was sure to be non-flattering, and pay my $32 charge. I was out the door, three hours after I had entered into it.

I survived.

Wayne @ 1:45 PM v Comments (0) v